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How to Stay Sober During a Zombie Apocalypse

A survival guide for when the world ends… but you still want to keep your sh*t together.


ZOMBIE SURVIVAL GUIDE


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Look, relapse triggers are everywhere.Bills. Breakups. Bad coffee.But nothing — nothing — prepares you for the day your neighbor Todd starts gnawing on a mailbox and sprinting toward you like a cracked-out raccoon.


So here it is:Your Official Guide to Staying Sober in a Full-Blown Zombie Apocalypse.


1️⃣ Accept That the World Has Gone to Sh*t

Step one in recovery: acceptance.Step one in the apocalypse: same thing, except now the problem is your town being overrun by people who look like they haven’t slept since 1983.


Take a deep breath.Say the serenity prayer.Ignore the undead guy bumping into a stop sign behind you.


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2️⃣ Avoid Zombie-Infested Coffee Shops

Yes, your favorite cozy recovery-friendly coffee shop “technically” still has its Open sign flickering.Yes, the zombies inside “technically” know how to operate the espresso machine (don’t ask how — it’s disturbing).

But trust me:If the barista’s ear falls off while steaming your oat milk latte, that’s a sign.Turn around. Walk away. Stay sober and caffeinated elsewhere.


Also, nothing good ever happens when the undead are huddled around the condiment station fighting over raw sugar packets.


3️⃣ Build a Sober Support Group — Even in the End Times

In normal life, your support group might be a circle of folding chairs and stale donuts.


In the apocalypse, it’s whoever hasn’t tried to bite you yet.

Create a safe space:

  • No alcohol

  • No drugs

  • No brains

  • No biting

  • No talking about how much you miss your sponsor (who is now a member of the undead) while sharpening your machete


If someone groans loudly, assume it’s trauma — or that they’re turning.Either way, offer them a snack and keep it moving.


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4️⃣ Identify Your Triggers

Everyone has triggers.The apocalypse just gives you new ones.


Examples:

  • Hunger

  • Exhaustion

  • Zombies walking their zombie dogs down your street

  • Seeing your ex who has now become undead (and honestly looks better than when you dated them — awkward!)


Know your triggers.Prepare coping strategies.Duct tape helps with basically anything.


5️⃣ Don’t Use “The World Is Ending” as an Excuse to Relapse

You survived heartbreaks, housing shortages, bad bosses, and family reunions.You’re strong.Don’t let one little world-ending plague make you say, “Screw it.”


Remember:Alcohol won’t fix the zombies.If anything, it makes you run slower — and they can smell regret.


6️⃣ Build a Sober Apocalypse Kit

Forget the doomsday preppers.They packed canned beans and crossbows.We pack emotional resilience, caffeine, and snacks that won’t melt.


Must-haves:

  • Journal

  • Water

  • Protein bars

  • A flashlight that actually works

  • Your sponsor’s last known coordinates

  • A frying pan (for cooking and zombies)

  • A Post-It note that says “Don’t drink today even if Chad the Zombie knocks again.”


7️⃣ Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness means staying present.Yes, even when present sucks.


Try this grounding exercise:

  • Name 5 things you can see

  • Name 4 things you can hear

  • Name 3 things that aren’t zombies

  • Name 2 things you’re grateful for

  • Name 1 exit route

Congratulations. You’re centered and still alive.


8️⃣ Celebrate Your Wins

Didn’t drink today?Didn’t get eaten?Didn’t scream “I CAN’T DO THIS SOBER” and run into the woods?

That’s a win.Celebrate that sh*t.

Preferably somewhere safe.Preferably with snacks.


9️⃣ Remember Why You Started Recovery

Look, sobriety is hard during normal civilization.It’s even harder when the world looks like a bad TV pilot.


But the truth stays the same:You’re choosing clarity, strength, growth, and life —and that matters whether the world is functioning or crawling with half-rotted neighbors.


You’re a f*cking warrior. Zombies don’t stand a chance.

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