(Introspective/Adult Language) - During my deepest moments of PDST and anxiety and depression, I would have my “demons” talking and taunting me. I would almost always have the same reply I would say out loud no matter who was around or where I was. That included my toddler children.
I would say very loudly “shut the fuck up “ or “get the hell out of here”. My children thought this was directed at them, having only heard my side of the conversation with the “demons”. I can only speculate on what people out in public thought.
I’ve come to learn that I was hearing and talking to my conscious, also called my inner child.
Let’s put this in perspective now. People stop growing emotionally at the age the abuse starts. My inner child had counted on me to protect and look out for him since I was 5. Now as an adult the things that gave me comfort and peace as a child/man/addict no longer worked. That’s because the root of the problem is still there unaddressed. But now when my inner child looked to me for reassurance, I told him to shut the fuck up and go on. Literally. Out loud.
Imagine telling your five-year-old child that. You wouldn’t tell any child that. You would help them. Protect them. Reassure them.
So take the time to talk to your inner child. Listen to what it’s saying to you. Treat it the way you needed. Tell it out loud, “ I got you!” “Don’t worry I won’t let anyone hurt you!” “I will protect you!”
In time you will find this helps to calm the “demons” and create a sense of unity inside of yourself. Treat the inner child with care and in turn, you begin to treat yourself better.
You’re important. You matter. Breathe.
About The Author:
Mike lives in Colusa County and is a contributing editor and recovery ambassador with CCR. He is a disabled, sober veteran who tries to be as active as possible in his community and enjoys spending time with his kids.