Holy Cow! Am I In A Toxic Relationship?

::Article & Video:: When you’re in a healthy relationship, everything just kind of works.

Sure, there are bumps in the road, but you generally make decisions together, openly discuss any problems that arise, and genuinely enjoy each other’s company.

Toxic relationships are another story. And when you’re in one, it can be harder to see red flags.

If you consistently feel drained or unhappy after spending time with your partner, it could be a sign that things need to change, says relationship therapist Jor-El Caraballo.

Here's a look at some hallmark signs of toxicity in a relationship and what to do if you recognize them in your relationship.

What does it look like? Depending on the nature of the relationship, signs of toxicity can be subtle or highly obvious, explains Carla Marie Manly, PhD, author of “Joy from Fear.” If you’re in a toxic relationship, you may recognize some of these signs in yourself, your partner, or the relationship itself.

Lack of support Your time together has stopped being positive or supportive of your goals. “Healthy relationships are based on a mutual desire to see the other succeed in all areas of life,” Caraballo says. But when things turn toxic, every achievement becomes a competition. In other words, you don’t feel like they have your back.

Toxic communication

Instead of treating each other with kindness, most of your conversations are filled with sarcasm, criticism, or overt hostility. You may even start avoiding talking to each other.

Jealousy

While it’s normal to experience jealousy from time to time, Caraballo explains it can become an issue if you can’t get yourself to think or feel positively about their success.

Featured Video: Dr. Tracey Marks

Controlling behaviors

Questioning where you are all the time or becoming overly upset when you don’t immediately answer texts are both signs of controlling behavior, which can contribute to toxicity in a relationship. In some cases, these attempts of control over you can be a sign of abuse (more on this later).

Resentment

Holding on to grudges and letting them fester chips away at intimacy.“Over time, frustration or resentment can build up and make a smaller chasm much bigger,” Caraballo notes.

Dishonesty

You find yourself constantly making up lies about your whereabouts or who you meet up with to avoid spending time with your partner.

Patterns of disrespect

Being chronically late, casually “forgetting” events, and other behaviors that show disrespect for your time are a red flag, Manly says.

Negative financial behaviors

Your partner might make financial decisions, including purchasing big-ticket items or withdrawing large sums of money, without consulting you.

Constant stress

A normal amount of tension runs through every relationship, but finding yourself constantly on edge is an indicator that something’s off. This ongoing stress can take a toll on your physical and emotional health.

Ignoring your needs

Going along with whatever your partner wants to do, even when it go es against your wishes or comfort level, is a sure sign of toxicity, says clinical psychologist Catalina Lawsin, PhD.

For example, you might agree to a vacation they planned, either intentionally or unintentionally, for dates that aren’t convenient for you.

Lost relationships

You’ve stopped spending time with friends and family, either to avoid conflict with your partner or to get around having to explain what’s happening in your relationship. Alternatively, you might find your free time is wrapped up in dealing with your partner.

Lack of self-care

In a toxic relationship, you might let go of your usual self-care habits, Lawsin explains.

You might withdraw from hobbies you once loved, neglect your health, and sacrifice your free time.

Hoping for change

You might stay in the relationship because you see the other person’s potential or think that if you just change yourself and your actions, they’ll change as well.

Walking on eggshells

You worry that by bringing up problems, you’ll provoke extreme tension, so you become conflict avoidant and keep any issues to yourself.

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