While in active addiction, the love we experienced often lacked a large degree of healthiness.
We become attached in addiction. Attached to our addictive substances, attached to our addiction-fueled habits, attached to our coping mechanisms, attached to the people who support us, and attached to those who enable us.
Clinging is a dangerous coping mechanism; it gives our power to someone or something else and leaves us more vulnerable and unsafe. This is especially true in romantic relationships – clinging opens us to abuse, betrayal, misdirection and misguidance.
Josie B. knows this first-hand. In her last destructive relationship she went wherever her boyfriend went, regardless of whether or not it was a healthy environment for her. Brandon was a musician. After every gig he, his band members and their entourage hit a bar, club or party where drugs were easily available and the booze flowed.
Josie – trying to get clean and keep her boyfriend at the same time – followed Brandon everywhere, despite the distress the post-gig parties caused her.
“I wanted to be Brandon’s girl. To do that meant hanging out with all these high people and not acting out myself. When I did try not to go Brandon got mad, so I went and sometimes I was strong enough to stay sober and other times I wasn’t. To be with him I gave up what was important to me,” Josie remembers.
When we “fall in love” as addicts we see things through the haze of addiction, and we accept all kinds of injustices and unfairness while we cling to our addiction—and, in many cases, the person with whom we become involved.
On one side of the addiction relationship spectrum, there might be instances of partners supporting each other, inspiring personal growth, and recovering together, leading to positive outcomes. However, in most cases, addiction relationships tend to erode self-esteem, create feelings of inferiority, and foster a destructive bond that can exacerbate addiction rather than alleviate it. These patterns become ingrained behaviors that occur automatically, without conscious awareness.
Creating a Healthy Romance in Addiction Recovery
When we enter recovery (and then move into life afterward) we have an opportunity to break habitual relationship traps. Starting over with the desire to create meaningful and healthy romantic connections requires intention, self-awareness and conscious decision-making focused on what you want in a partner conjoined with what you want in your life.
This is when it becomes useful to understand the difference between being bonded versus enmeshed: When we “bond” with someone we retain our individuality even while we create a deep and meaningful connection with a partner.
During the vulnerable and unpredictable phase of recovery, becoming entangled in a relationship can seem comforting as it provides a deceptive sense of security, dedication, and affection. The deeper we immerse ourselves in another person, the more we lose sight of our own identity. This loss results in a diminished connection to our individual strengths, aspirations, chances, encounters, beliefs, and principles. The ongoing sense of this loss can trigger feelings of anxiety, peril, and other emotions that addictions often alleviate.
In the new space of recovery maintaining a strong and uncompromised inner connection is critical to maintaining and sustaining recovery advances. Entering into a (more healthy) bonded relationship can actually help foster future recovery gains as it allows for opportunities of continued personal evolution.
Deliberately creating a bonded relationship happens by including these types of actions in the realm of any romance:
Continuing frequent contact and connection with family and friends.
Scheduling alone time to develop self-connection.
Engaging with experiences (outside of the romance) that create a sensation of happiness and self-esteem.
Resisting absorbing or mirroring a partner’s emotions; staying true to how you feel.
Identifying sources outside the relationship that help to reduce feelings of loneliness.
Caught in the frenzy of addiction we are not our true selves, which means we do not attract the kind of true partners we deserve. Later, when we fall in love (in recovery), the experience of romance might feel different and even a little awkward at first.
Understanding the distinction between bonding with someone and becoming enmeshed allows us to be deliberate in selecting our partners, understanding the reasons behind our choices, and determining the nature of our interactions and relationships with them.
Approaching a new relationship through this sort of slow and conscious process leads to better decisions, healthier romance and deeper personal growth.
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