(Introspective) - One of the biggest hurdles to starting my recovery was asking for help. It was embarrassing. Humiliating. It showed weakness. Hearing the words leaving my mouth and instantly regretting the fragile vulnerability it revealed.
Hearing the sobs and despair in my voice, a huge wave of embarrassment would wash over me. Triggering my impulse to hang up the phone and retreat into denial for another day. The clever deception of depression in complete control.
Here is what real control is: HONESTY. Honestly participating in your recovery equals complete control. You would never let a liar lead the quest for truth, and the truth is only with honest participation will the rewards of recovery come. As victims of abuse and addiction, we have a constant feeling of not being in control of our emotions and directions of our lives.
Deception and denial in my daily vocabulary became commonplace. Self-defeated before even starting. Sound familiar? I was sure as soon as I hung up the phone the counselor on the other end was instantly judging and sharing everything I had said with the person next to them. Both had a huge laugh on me. So hilariously embarrassing was my story that I was convinced they gathered together after work at their favorite watering hole and laughed and laughed about pathetic me.
Nothing was farther from the truth.
These were competent, caring, compassionate counselors who were also recovering addicts. They knew exactly where I was on the road of recovery. They had walked each step and were a testament to where the road could lead. They knew the strength it took to ask for help. The incredible step of admitting to not have the answers. The first step in getting control of the direction of the treatment for my depression, anxiety, and PTSD.
The first step on my road to recovery.
About The Author:
Michael lives in Colusa County and is a contributing editor at CCR. He is a disabled, sober veteran who tries to be as active as possible in his community and enjoys spending time with his kids.